Whistling is creepy! ughh

Whistling is creepy. Stop it, just cut it out.  If you whistle a lot you have dead bodies at home. I don't give a crap that you can spit and blow wind- not impressed. A baby can spit and blow wind out of BOTH holes, they don't do it for entertainment.  Whistling is just spitting and blowing at the same time, so what? Who cares? Stop it. And most whistlers spit more than they whistle, gross, stop spitting on me. Are you a sprinkler of crappy saliva? I don't need that. Some whistlers are extra loud. Is that a fire alarm or some douche whistling 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep' down the hallway? Next time I'm sending you a bill for my hearing infection. Pay it.

Whistling is creepy. You go around whistling 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' or some other crappy song (it's always some old nursery rhyme crap) then you have dead body parts of young boys and girls under your guest bed.  I don't care what kind of lamb Mary had, stop whistling the song, and second of all the lamb would probably bitch slap you because it doesn't want to hear that song. What kind of lamb did Mary have? A very pissed off one. It was happy, just frolicking around the meadows happy, probably eating some grass or just staring in the sky like some dumbass, but it was happy. Happy until you started whistling a song about Mary.  It doesn't care about Mary, just give it some grass to eat, but stop whistling!! Mary could be James, Sandra, or Muhammad, the lamb doesn't care, and most importantly don't raise one lamb. Mary had a little lamb, well that's the problem...the lamb has nobody to play with, it can only listen to your crappy whistling. If the lamb had another lamb to play with it could be like "Hey let's go jump that broken wall or something cause this shepherd is whistling this crappy song about Mary and it's pissing me off", but no, Mary was too selfish to get another lamb, so now the lamb has to listen to some crappy whistling all day while worried if it's going to get shaved for a new coat or killed. Whistling should be a crime. I'm pissed.

You know what's MUCH BETTER than whistling...MUSIC! We got it today. It's not 1906 where you have to invent entertainment, we got all kinds of music to listen to, and we don't need some freak whistling 'La Cucaracha' when you could be playing music we all enjoy. Whistling is selfish.

Let's work hard to BAN WHISTLING IN PUBLIC! Yes! No more whistling. Just like cigarettes are banned in most restaurants and even in some public places, whistling SHOULD ALSO be banned. Why? Cause it's horrible. I would rather have some trucker from Kansas City blow his cigarette coffee breathe in my face than hear a whistler. 2nd hand whistling is far more deleterious to our health than 2nd hand smoke. No more whistling in public. I want this on the next Gallup poll for election, I want a section for banning whistling.

You know who whistles a lot? Serial killers and pedophiles. They just walk around whistling in parks looking for kids. I'm serious. Watch your kids, protect your family from whistlers!

 Whistling is just beat boxing for creepy people. Truth.

(Some might say I'm just jealous cause I can't whistle. You have a point. )

COWBOYS - THE ORIGINAL TWITTERS (I hate small talk)

Nothing annoys me more than small talk. It (small talk) has actually given me panic attacks. One time after a show this guy kept rambling garrulously about crap that needed no reciprocation. After about 2 minutes of his inane ramblings I actually said "Can you please stop talking to me? I'm going over there, you are giving me a panic attack." Then I walked over to recover from this mouth sprinkler of ennui. I always try to be nice to people, but damn have some eye contact and listen once in a while.

Why does all small talk have to be about the weather or traffic? Why bring that crap up. "You see the traffic, man thats crazy right" Yeah asshole, I was just in it, thanks for bringing it back up. Instead of the weather and traffic, why can't small talk be about stabbing someone? Thats more interesting. Two strangers get into a cab.."Good day for a stabbing eh?"

Cowboys didn't small talk - the original TWITTERS

You never saw a cowboy wasting someone's time. A cowboy would get on a horse and ride 400 miles to say "Your daddy's dead" and then turn around and ride off. How'd he die? Don't worry about it, don't ask questions, he's got an gunfight at 0600am - leave him alone. Cowboys didn't ramble on about crap, they got to the point...everything summed up in 140 characters - they were the original twitters. I wish we could go back to these days. I would have been a kick ass cowboy.

HOW TO COMBAT SMALL TALK

Ok listen, people are gonna ramble, you can't stop old man Rusty's diarrhea mouth at your church bbq, it's inevitable. What you can do is master the art of saying things back to them while thinking of things that are actually relevant in your own life. When people small talk me, I tend to get anxious, but now I use 5 maxims/sayings that get me through the conversation in peace - you can do it too. So when people are rambling like a drunk auctioneer spewing out useless consonants and vowels, just use any of these maxims in any particular order: 'what can ya do', 'it is what it is', 'interesting!', 'thats what I'm talk'n bout!', and 'unbelievable'. Next time you are on the phone with grandpa and he wants to tell you about how he spent all Saturday drinking beer in his hammock listening truckers on his CB radio, just blurt out any of the aforementioned sayings and he'll keep on rambling like you are actually listening, but you aren't, toss the phone to your friend for 5 minutes and then have them blurt out the next saying (but make sure you don't use 2 in a row, mix it up, play around with the cadence and practical insertion).

'What can ya do'

This is a good one. 'What can ya do'?  Keep rambling on grandpa cause I'm thinking about that trust fund you are leaving me and not about this boring story of your first telegraph.

'It is what it is'

I would like to think 'it is what it is' is basically saying shut up...I get it, we are done with this conversation, but the people you are talking to are too busy thinking of their own banal thoughts to actually recognize what you are saying, so just blurt it out when there is a silence in any boring conversation.

'Interesting!'

This one is easy to use, probably the most common. Trust me you don't think what the person is saying IS interesting, but say it with commitment and intensity. Once in a while rub your chin with your fingers like you are actually thinking about what they are saying, and then say 'interesting' in a serious tone or with conviction, this gives the impression you are engaged in their conversation...play around with it, it should keep 'em rambling for hours.

'That's what I'm talk'n bout!'

When people say 'thats what I"m talk'n bout!', trust me, they were not talking about what they said they were talking about, so thats why it's a perfect epigram to just blurt out when there is a silence in any boring conversation. This 'that's what I'm talk'n about' will inspire your grandma to wanna continue talking about her diabetes and dream of having green hair on The Price is Right.

'Unbelievable'

Ok, 'unbelievable' just like 'interesting', is simple and good to use in short conversations. 'I went to the store today', just say 'unbelievable' and keep on trucking. The only thing really unbelievable about saying this is the fact the person you are talking to can't believe you aren't even listening...but use it, once again play around with it to see where it works best for you.

Point of View

If there is nothing to say why not just be quiet? People are scared of their own thoughts, are self-absorbed, or often afraid of what might happen if they just experience what is actually happening around them. Wanna evolve? Listen to the person in front of you. You know the ending of every story you are telling, how is that interesting to you? You know the outcome. I've only become an interesting person (if I am that), because I've tried to show a genuine interest in others. On my own I am not interesting to me....

Stop pretending your world is spinning, the glaze in your stare, has no one been listening? He told you that we'll all be angels someday, but you were too busy checking your phone.

SIGN SHAKERS ARE HUMAN POP-UPS

Sign-shaking is an art form. Really? Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Mozart, and now the guy shaking a sign for Jiffy Lube is an artist? Sure, that's art. Why not just get a guy with Parkinson's out there to shake a sign? Save money on training at least.

What is the marketing strategy for having an angry gorilla sell your product? Why is he angry? Why can't he at least be affable, approachable? Am I supposed to swing in off a vine like Tarzan and buy something...I don't get it.

What is the job interview like to get the sign-shaking job? I mean, do you have to prove shaking skills during the interview? Can you twirl, drop it, during the first week or should you build to that? You can't go crazy, it's an 'art form', so I assume you can't jump right into twirling and dropping it on a manhole the first day...you see son, you have to build to that. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a sign-shaker can't do a double axle cartwheel handstand twirl on the first day either. Give it a 3 month trial period, but at first just shake - we'll tell you when to twirl.

Sign-shakers are just annoying human pop-ups. We have pop-ups on the internet selling us crap, now we have pop-ups on the side of the road: big angry gorilla trying to sell me a used car, guy on a unicycle trying to sell a mattress, some 43 year old dude listening to Billy Ocean shaking a sign trying to sell me a timeshare, some guy trying to enlarge my penis...just a black guy on the side of the road going "What's up...wanna get a bigger penis?" No, I'll pass. I just need to go to the store.

I recently saw a sign-shaker working his ass off, just spinning and twirling, dude was sweating...earning that $8.75 an hour. Behind him there was a homeless guy....like a backup dancer to the sign shaker.  I'm sure the homeless guy, who was previously sucking on his foot, was making more money per hour begging for money than the guy twirling and shaking. Pathetic.

If your job can be replaced by a telephone pole and a fan, well, your job is not that valuable. I could get a fan to blow a sign on a telephone pole and do the same thing a sign-shaker is doing minus all the annoying break dancing.

Sign Shakers are POP-UPS, use your car as SPAM GUARD!

'PER CAPITA' YOU ARE ANNOYING

There is a sense of loyalty towards smaller towns. With this comes exaggerations and embellishments of local folklore and facts that make the town look more attractive to other people, but really....it's just people making stuff up to solidify their own patriotism.

For example...the phrase 'per capita'. Everywhere I go, mid-west to the south to north-west, everyone likes to boast about how they have more 'things' per capita than any other place. Really? Where are the facts on this? Who's doing the counting? Is this the same guy that says swans mate for life? (when swans all look the same anyhow. Is there one guy following around every swan to make sure that swan only has sex with one swan? How do we KNOW they mate for life?)

'We got more bars per capita than any other city man! Hell yah!' I've heard this in many small towns across America.

You don't have more bars per capita than any other place, you just wanted to make a stupid statement so the people you are talking to think your town is more interesting. But why is it always 'we got more bars per capita'.
When did bars/drinking become the institution that validates a town? I've never seen that listed in the Chamber of Commerce or at the Visitor Center: "Pocatello, Idaho....we got more bars per capita than any other crappy town."


You would never hear this in another country, only America. Wouldn't hear this in Nigeria? No. More like..."Here in Nigeria we have more malaria per capita than any other country. It's a great country. We swat flies out of our face all day, but per capita we got more malaria than Indonesia."

It's always bars, cause people love to brag about how much they can drink, but why not 'clowns per capita' or 'three legged dogs per capita'?
"We have more midgets per capita than any other town. How many? Well we don't know, they get away when we try to count them...but we got a lot of 'em"
YOUR TOWN does not have more bars per capita than any other town, it has a normal amount...just like every other crappy town - stop saying this. Per capita we need more people who think for themselves.

SOLUTION FOR EARTHQUAKES

Everyone in California is freaked about earthquakes - "The big one is coming!" Relax OK. Seriously. A midget has a better chance beating Yao Ming at tether-ball than we do at experiencing mother Earth's biggest exhibit of Parkinson's. Go to work. Go to school. Stop being a moron.

However, since I'm a genius and concerned for the conscious of this country I've come up with a bona fide solution to eradicate west coast earthquakes: fill up the San Andreas fault like a dumpster and that will leave NO ROOM for the plates to shift (how earthquakes are created). The shifting of the earth's plates (latitude/longitude) causes an earthquake, and the fault is the gap between the plates (you are welcome for the lesson by the way). Pollution creates smog, the smog combines with our clouds and comes back to earth in the form of precipitation/rain, then it runs into our rivers, streams, oceans, etc. Finally it runs into a fault...the San Andreas Fault!
If we fill up the fault...like a dumpster, with all kinds of rubbish, then the plates cannot shift and consequently no more earthquakes! I've created a one week program, like a workout regimen, that if taken seriously we can all fill up the fault and rid ourselves from the panic of future earthquakes. Everyone needs to participate.

OK, start the program on a Monday. Studies show that if you start something on a Monday you might stick with it. Ever tried to start a diet on Wednesday? You are eating cake by Friday.

JUSTIN McCLURE'S ONE WEEK PROGRAM TO STOP FUTURE EARTHQUAKES:

*Monday*

Sell your car and buy an 18 wheeler big rig, then take your kids to school and soccer practice. This exhaust from the big rig will get in the atmosphere which is what we want. Someone's parent might say "hey! why are you driving your kids around in an 18 wheeler?!" You say "Listen bitch, I'm doing my part to prevent earthquakes!" You didn't care for her anyhow, her kids are ugly.
Don't worry what others think, you got over peer pressure in the 10th grade, that's why you didn't win Student Council Secretary that year, but you learned your lesson. Focus on the campaign. You can't let peer pressure get to you, even if you aren't talented.

*Tuesday*

When you go to the grocery store and they say 'Paper or Plastic?', you say 'Asbestos'. Get it? You are doing your part. Get some asbestos into the atmosphere, let's get it going haus.

*Wednesday*

Hump day, no not the hump on your girlfriends back, that's scoliosis, we are talking about the middle of the week...hump day, focus; need to go big here: buy a chemical plant. Any chemical plant will do. We need to get chemicals into the ozone and atmosphere. If you can't afford a chemical plant, start a meth lab. If you can't afford a meth lab, look into Capitol One financing, they have really good deals these days. Zero % interest the first year, thats a great deal in this market, it's going to enable you to focus on profit and build a core management team; not having to pay off the principal is huge in the first year. Don't go with Discover, they have hidden charges all over the place..check the fine print, plus Discover charges for online banking, you don't need that, it's free with Capitol One. Let's make good decisions here.

*Thursday*

Burn tires, all day long. Get your fellas to come over, put on some jerseys, pretend it's a sporting event- it's going to be sweet. Michelin, Goodyear are good tires to burn, but I recommend Firestone. Firestone makes a very durable tire which creates a nice creamy smoke which will create more consistent smog. Also, bring some marshmellows to roast while you are burning tires...you'll need the extra energy. Burning tires is a tough workout; the marshmellows will help replace some of the energy you burn. You'll need it, cause Friday is a big day.

*Friday*

Replace all the water in your pipes with oil. Let's get some oil into the waters. If you don't know how to do this, watch Tim Allen's Home Improvement, 3rd season, episode 4 I believe..he gives a good example. Start flushing oil down your toilet and drains, this will pollute our waters which is what we need to be doing. Keep oil in your car also, because if you drive by a natural water source, just dump the oil in directly. This cuts out the middle man...2 birds.

*Saturday*

Launch all hippies into the fault from a catapult. Let's get them all in the desert, good place for a giant catapult. This might be tricky, but we can do it. What we can do to get them in the desert is say there is a Phish revival concert and if they (the hippies) get to the concert on time then they get a free velcro Grateful Dead poster, or maybe a hackysack- they will come, trust me they have nothing else to do except smell like a bear farting piss on local park benches.

Once the hippies get to the disclosed location, we get them to stand in one place. They are waiting for the concert and unaware they are standing on a boobie trap, which is grass and leaves on top of a catapult. Next, we release the catapult and launch the hippies directly into the fault. They won't mind the launch because they love to 'get high' anyhow, so they will be confused...dumbasses. One by one they are launched into the Fault like a human tetris game. They fill up the fault and BAM...NO MORE EARTHQUAKES cause we've filled up the fault and the plates cannot shift - PROBLEM SOLVED AMERICA!

*Sunday*

Lord's day, take it off. You've deserved it. Jesus would be proud...but he's busy sending all those hippies to hell.

You've done your part to prevent all future earthquakes...and we have no more hippies.